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Sunday, March 27, 2005
Below is this week's installment of A Course in Creation. If you miss a message in the series, just go to A Course in Creation. They will all be posted there.
Today we will continue our Course in Creation, the foundation for building a life of fulfillment and peace. And you are the one to build it. You have that power.
Today our topic is romantic love. I wish to relieve you of some of the pressure which your society has put upon you and guide you instead to a more relaxed view of life and the role of romantic love within it.
First, let us take a look at some of the expectations which your society has laid upon you. You are expected to be educated, attractive, slender and wealthy, full of a youthful vigor no matter what your age. And if you have not managed to achieve all this, then there is something wrong with you; you have failed in some essential way.
You are also told by your society that you are to get married and have children, and that this is to be a romantic bond which will last your entire lifetime. You are to find a partner who will always love you, will love you romantically, in the tradition of wine and roses, and also care for you, partner with you, be at your side through thick and thin, loving you ever and always without fail for your entire lives, lives which are now expected to stretch out for ninety years.
And if you are spiritual, you are expected not only to find this paragon of virtue, but he must be a soul mate, someone who was destined to be with you and whom you will recognize through a golden glow of rightness, someone who will connect with you on higher planes as well as in this existence
My, my. This is a lot for one lifetime, is it not? A lot of expectation. A lot of pressure. A lot of nonsense.
Life is what it is. It will bring you many, many experiences. And for some of you, it may be the right thing to marry and stay married. For some of you, this will not be right at all. For many of you, in the length of a lifetime, you will travel part of it with one person and part with another. You will, as you walk your path, have times when you are comfortably strolling hand-in-hand with another and times when their paths swerve off in a different direction from you. You will have times when the sun is shining and the light of love is pouring down upon you, and times when you are alone and traveling, perhaps in darkness, perhaps with the guidance of a moon overhead, but your hand is empty. And this is also right.
We have not discussed a very important aspect of romantic love, which is sexuality. This is, of course, also a part of your great expectations. You are expected to stay youthful and sexy and to attract the right person in this way. And between the two of you, as the years pass, you are expected, somehow, to keep this great heat of sexuality glowing brightly, even as you age, even as you become so used to each other that this spark cannot help but dull. But still, you are taught that there is something wrong with you if you cannot somehow achieve all of this.
And so, let us look a bit at what romantic love is and what it is not. It is not fulfillment. It is not achievement. It is not the path to finding yourself. That is a path which must be traveled alone and inside.
But what is it? Certainly, in its beginning stages, falling in love is a state of intoxication, as chemicals, wonderful chemicals, rush through your body, blinding you to the calm reason which you had managed to achieve before you were completely swept away by this other human being who wishes to meld with you, blend with you, become one with you. This can be an amazing and glorious experience. This melding of love, sexuality and togetherness. It is a deeply human experience and one that you will wish to experience.
Ah, but like any drug, the crash can be painful indeed. And when it all begins to wear off, either suddenly after six months or so, or perhaps slowly over the years in a relationship of longer duration, then you wonder what has happened. You wonder what is wrong with you that you cannot hold on to this person, to this feeling, to this relationship. You think you have failed. But all that has happened is that you had an experience and that experience is over.
There is no success or failure. It is simply life. It is simply an experience. And when it is over, you release and let go; you move on.
The mistake that is made so often is that people think they are saved from the work of getting to know themselves. They think that suddenly everything will be glorious, because that is how it feels at the beginning. But there is also much else happening at the beginning. You are in a state of obsession, focusing so much on this other person that you are losing yourself. You are merging into one person, and without this other person you no longer feel whole.
And if it ends badly, you feel bereft and incomplete. You gave yourself away and now he has left, and you are left as an incomplete person. And you must now step back and rebuild yourself, from the inside out, trying to find who you were before this person took such a large piece of you.
Some of this is simply the way it happens. When you allow yourself to love, you do give away some pieces of your heart, and it takes time and tender loving care to replace that love within your heart. But if you are a more mature person spiritually, you can learn to allow a person into your field of love, you can learn to give love without giving yourself away. You can learn to give and give and yet not feel that you are incomplete if you are not getting. This is the state to be desired.
If you can manage to keep your spiritual practices intact, continuing with your meditations and focusing deeply into yourself and reminding yourself that you are the most important source of love, rather than scheming and manipulating in order to try to gain someone else’s love, crying bitter tears when they do not give you what you think you need from them, then you will be fine.
You can learn to give yourself what you need, even when you are in love with someone else. When you do this, the relationship is transformed. When you do this, you are not clinging and jealous, complaining and worried. You are calm and centered and just enjoying the positive aspects of giving love and letting it flow. You are bathing in the love which you give as well as that which you receive, and if they are focused elsewhere for a time, that is all right, because you are still acting as your primary source of love.
No one else in the world can fulfill you. No one else can make you whole. And you do not need to give yourself away to someone else in a vain trade to become whole person. Becoming a whole person is up to you, completely up to you. And you can do it, whether or not you have a romantic partner.
Know that it is this society at this time which has told you that you must fall in love and find this great soul mate for life. Not all societies have arranged things in this way at all. It is not a pronouncement from on high. This may be the way for you and it may not. You must find your own way, step by step. There is nothing wrong with you if you are not in a loving marriage with a deeply connected soul mate.
So focus first and always on yourself and doing what your life demands. Know these steps on your path through your heart of rightness. Learn to get deeply in touch with your own self, with the guidance coming from your own soul self, as felt deep in your center.
And then, solid and steady, full of love and connectedness with life itself, you will better be able to sort things out when you are swept away in a rush of sexual chemicals, when you tumble head over heels. If you have a solid center and have kept in touch, have learned how to go beyond fear and doubt and to consult with yourself, then you will be able to sort out whether this person is truly good for you, whether they are treating you with respect and caring, whether it is a connection in which you should invest years or whether it is a connection which you might enjoy for a weekend.
Build up your own connection with yourself and you will know all of this. You will feel it. And when you see the truth, when you know it truly, then have the courage to act on it. Know that you are capable of surviving any loss. It simply takes time for your body to recover from the intoxicating drug of love. But it can be done. It is done every minute of every day, all the time. There is no reason to be desperate. Your life does not depend upon another person. Your happiness, your fulfillment, none of this depends upon another person. It is all yours to create.
Even if you have been left by a husband of many years, you can create a fulfilling and joyous life for yourself. Just learn to forgive and let go. Learn to release and move on. Pull yourself out of the anger and regrets of the past and into now, this moment, where the sun shines and life sparkles around you in endless and limitless possibility.
And if you are not with anyone now and are seeking someone, pull yourself out of fantasies over the future and into now. Do not load each encounter with another person with all of your fantasies and expectations. There is no way that anyone could live up to all that movies and television, advertisements and society's foolish pronouncements have led you to expect from some poor human being who happens to enter your life.
These fantasies are not real. This is real. This moment, right now. Are you alone? Fine, enjoy that. Step outside and take a deep breath and let the glow of life fill you. Are you with someone else, but they are not living up to your expectations, they are disappointing you? Then let go of your expectations. No one can disappoint you unless you have built up a fantasy world in which they are expected to do and be certain things. Take this burden off their shoulders and just let them be who they truly are, not who you want them to be.
Stop trying to remake everyone. Take them as they are. Take them exactly as they are. And if that is not right for you, then let them go. It is very simple. You are who you are. He is who he is. Let that be. And if the two of you choose to live together, wonderful. That is today. This is the way of it.
But if you are trying to act like someone you are not, let it go. If he is trying to please you by pretending to be someone he is not, let go those expectations and allow him to be who he is. Find out who you are and who he is and see if that is a partnership worth working on for many years.
And if, right now, this moment, you find yourself sitting next to a glorious human, glowing with himself and yet also loving you, if you are blessed with the flood of love from another human being, then that is a blessing to be enjoyed deeply. Do enjoy it. Fill your days with gratitude that you have this time.
And know, also, that this time will end. Life is change. It will not always be like this and it is all right. Fill this moment with gratitude and soak in the beauty of your connection, the beauty of your sexuality fully expressed, the beauty of an open flowing heart which is met with love. Ah, yes, do enjoy it. Enjoy every moment. Fill yourself with it.
And then, when it begins to change, let it evolve. Let it evolve and release the past. Keep it as a treasured memory. If you are fortunate enough that your falling in love leads to a deeply loving relationship of many years duration, then know too that it will still be evolution, it will still be change. A human being cannot live in a continual state of intoxication and go about the business of living. Thing will change. Certainly when those children come, your life will be radically altered and you will have different bonds of love flowing.
Let it all be as it wishes to be. Stop trying to control. Stop trying to hold on to what is gone or is quickly slipping out of your hands. Open your hands. Let land within them what is right for now, this moment. Let go that which wants to leave.
Be steady and centered within yourself and let it all flow, let it all be, let it come in and go out, let it evolve and change. This is life, and each moment is a glory and a wonder, no matter whether it holds a kiss from a lover or from that ray of sunshine which is always there for you, beaming down from the heavens, even when the clouds are dark and heavy. Still, the sun shines and blesses you. Still the love flows. Still, you are exactly as you should be, deeply loved and precious, a vital part of all that is, one with all, one in love.
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I am starting a new consulting gig on Monday which will actually let me stay away from airplanes and airports for a while. What a relief! I am looking forward to enjoying my husband and the house full of animals, as well as the roses which are just beginning to bud. (The roses on this site and on the Quado Meditation labels are from my garden.)
I hope you all have a wonderful Easter. I’m going to a family dinner—I think I’ll wear some pink bunny ears!
***
I get such beautiful letters from all of you who are using the Quado meditations and crystal, so I thought I’d share one today.
“I LOVE your Self-Love CD! It was Divine timing the day it arrived as I had just stirred up some guilt and shame. Everyone can use this CD, every one of us! I listen to this even out of meditation. I also have your Renewal CD and the Rose Quartz. I used them in a healing session with a client as I was guided, with WONDERFUL results! I wanted to personally thank you for following your life path in creating these wonderful tools!” Debra
The Quado meditations are so powerful and so easy to use. Some people use them as they sleep, some to energize themselves in the morning. There is no wrong way to use them; whatever works for you is right. Click here to hear samples and read full transcripts and begin to build up your center of peace.
Love & peace, Carrie
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